The Inside Story
by Neva
Summary: Completed. A Subreality reporter interviews the Evo characters concerning the way they're portrayed over the course of more than two seasons of fan fiction.
1. Cause and Effects

A/N: I read something like this on a website called Logan and Marie's Dolphin Haven -- the X-Men complaining about how they're portrayed in fanfics. Those pieces were centered in the movieverse, and I haven't yet seen one for Evolution (except for Red Witch's hilarious Magneto Doesn't Matter Anymore). I'm here to remedy that, beginning with a character who's been positively butchered in our fics of late. I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count.  
  
Disclaimer: The X-Men Evo characters belong to Marvel and Kids WB. Shock of the century, huh? IMPORTANT: Their opinions of the fan fiction that has been written lately in no way reflect the opinions of yours truly, and I do not own any stories that are mentioned. Except my own.  
  
1: Cause and Effects  
  
_Greetings, writers, readers, and fictives all. This is your hostess, Furiel Fawkes, covering a special edition of Subreality's highest-ranking confession series: The Inside Story. Lucky me.  
  
Today's destination is the seemingly ordinary little town of Bayville, New York, whose busy streets mask its true nature as the battlefield where much of the war between good and evil is played out. We take you now to the good guys' base of operations, the Xavier Institute for the Gifted. The man for whom this impressive establishment is named is sitting right next to me, and he is not happy with the strange turn that fan fiction has taken. So let's get started, shall we?_  
  
Q: Professor Xavier, what is your opinion on the response that the X-Men: Evolution endeavor has gotten from writers?  
  
A: In the early days, most fan fiction consisted of Kurt/Kitty romances and games of let's introduce a new mutant with a mysterious past.  
  
Q: People _still_ do that. The second one, at least. But anyway, you had no problems with either.  
  
A: In the former, I was merely a benevolent observer. In the latter, I was rarely involved beyond the Obligatory Danger Room Scene. In the short-takes of Kurt or Mystique angst that came in the wake of Shadowed Past, I was barely involved at all.  
  
Q: Were there any hints of what was to come?  
  
A: Cera Toynbee wrote a story in which I informed Social Services that the Brotherhood were living on their own. I would never do that -- their lives are their business, and they posed absolutely no threat to my X-Men until the soccer game incident -- but reviewers went absolutely mad. Baldie on a stick! they said. Evil, evil meany-headed man! they said. (Shudders convulsively) At least she wrote that I regretted what I had done, however.  
  
Q: When was the turning point?  
  
A: A story called Shaky Ground. The author hadn't even posted a songfic or a one-shot angst piece to test the waters. She just waltzed in with an idea for a Lance/Kitty romance that happened to be a _complete ripoff_ of Joyride --  
  
Q: wouldn't even air for a few months when this fic was posted. What did she do to you?  
  
A: She had me brainwash Kitty into hating Lance, and the crowd, as they say, went wild. One reviewer threatened to push me off a cliff. However, it was only because I was instrumental in splitting up the couple of their choice. I am certain of this. This writer, though, took it as a sign that people wanted to hear more about my so-called nefarious deeds. Hence, there were three more sequels, each more...  
  
Q: Anti-Xavier?  
  
A: Than the last. And that was only the beginning. Now it actually has a name: The Anti-Xavier Cause. Neva has been hailed as a messiah, and her fans follow her example like brainwashed sheep. And they call _me_ a control freak!  
  
Which brings me to my next point. I am _not_ controlling Scott's mind! The fact that he changed his opinion after the soccer game incident was pure coincidence. He is a responsible leader, steadfast, courageous, honorable, decent, sensible, caring. He trusts the person who gave him a home and a loving family. He also realizes when he has made the wrong decision, and he actually follows the rules instead of vandalizing the school, sneaking off every night, or complaining. How does that signify that someone is controlling him? (Pauses for breath, panting slightly.)  
  
Q: Mind control is in the eye of the beholder.  
  
A: At least those fics were based partly on events that actually took place.I don't mind being portrayed as the bad guy sometimes -- reading about the things that I could do if I let my power get out of control reminds me exactly why I must never let that happen. _Those_ writers at least have the decency to give me a motive, or connect my actions to a deep need for preserving the dream. And that's fine: a get-in-touch-with-your-inner-psychopath sort of experience.   
  
However, there was one story in which I was planning to cure all mutants of their powers. I allegedly said, I can't stand them. Which, if you think about it, makes no sense at all. She even wrote that I wanted to kill anyone whom I couldn't control. And, Fall under my mighty wrath? I have better taste than that, at least.  
  
Another writer did the exact opposite. In her story, I plotted to release a virus that seriously harmed normal humans, something that would seem much more in character for Mageto than myself.   
  
In still another story, I created a potion that would make Ororo fall in love with me. It isn't the first time that intimate relations between the two of us have been insinuated by fans. For the record, I have no romantic interest in her. True, we have worked closely over the years and shared a great deal, and her beauty and poise have not escaped me. Nor has it escaped me that I am far too old for her. Besides, she sees me as a friend and a colleague, and trusts me not to abuse either of those relationships. And a love potion? Honestly. Somebody's been reading Harry Potter too much. It would be very easy to sway her interests toward me. I _am_ the most powerful telepath in the known universe, after all.  
  
There are other stories which choose to portray me as blatantly cruel and even insane -- without once explaining why. They think that the fact that I am the villain will be enough to make the story worth reading, not realizing that all the shock value has gone out of it by now, and to make it really work, I need a discernible reason.   
  
Essentially, they make it seem like I am deathly afraid of any of my X-Men disagreeing with me, and I consider it a threat when they do anything that doesn't involve fighting for my dream. I am happy when they see things from my side, but I can assure you that I did not tamper with their minds to get them to do so. Just because I _can_ doesn't mean that I _do_. And once they do decide that they want to make me the villain, they no longer care about keeping me in character. They're very cautious about keeping everyone else precisely the way they are in the show, but since I'm evil, nothing, from simple mind tricks to rape and murder, is beyond me. First I want to wipe out all mutants, even though I am one, and if they haven't figured that out, I pity them. Then I want to wipe out all humans, which completely defeats the purpose of forming the team in the first place. When does it end?   
  
I must thank the lucky stars that the slashers have so far overlooked me. They would probably pair me with Scott. Or Principal Kelly. Or Sabretooth.  
  
If you'll excuse me, I would like to end this here. The others will be arriving home from school any minute.  
  
Q: Thank you for your time, Professor.  
  
A: Thank _you_. I have been waiting to let that out for a long time. And if you should ever get the oppurtunity, make sure Magneto sees this. Then he'll realize how lucky he is to have absolutely no screen time whatsoever!  
  
A/N: I swear on the Cause that the next chapter not focus on my own stories, but I was in a self-mockery sort of place right now. Again, they're the bald guy's opinions, not mine. Vote on who should be next!


	2. Untouchable

Chapter 2: Untouchable  
  
Our next interviewee has asked that her real name be withheld, because, it's none of your damn business. Okay, I can respect that.  
  
Q: Let's talk about the pairings, first of all. Which ones are you happy with?  
  
A: I guess I don't mind that most authors caught on that I like Scott, but I dunno how they figured that it'll turn into anything. Sure, I had a crush on him for a while, but he's totally stuck on Ms. Perfect, and nothing's going to change that.  
  
Q: So you're over him?  
  
A: Look, I'm here to talk about fan fiction, not do the girl-talk thing. It's not really my specialty. Not with Kitty, and not with you. And speakin' of Kitty, there's been more than one slash story about the two of us. If she's got a crush on me, _I_ sure never saw it, especially with the way she and Lance have been going at it. And the most I can say for her is that she's not as annoying as she was when we first met.  
  
Even if they don't pair us up, they have me ready to open up completely to her. Believe me, it's not that easy. She's too quick to judge. She's always lookin' for the simplest answer.  
  
Q: So Scott's out, and Kitty's out. What about Quicksilver?  
  
A: There've been so many of those that it even has its own name blend -- Rietro. Rogue/Pietro, get it? And yeah, I've noticed it too. Just my luck, huh -- the ones who don't see him as gay have to pair him with me. Sure, yeah, he's hot. So's Lance, for that matter. But even if Kitty and I aren't really close, we're a lot less hostile than we used to be, and I don't want to go after the guy she likes so much.   
  
Besides, one thing most of those writers seem to get right is that I don't even have a chance at a romantic relationship... not with him, not with anyone.  
  
They seem to think that's a problem for me. It was at first, when I realized I was never gonna get my first kiss, never be able to do more than hold hands with someone without worrying about hurting them, and that my power didn't have any cool compensations like Kitty's or Ms. Perfect's.  
  
Q: Does it still make you sad?  
  
A: Hell, yeah. But it's not like I go showing it to everyone.  
  
Another thing. They all portray me as the sulky little Brotherhood refugee whom nobody likes or trusts, or wants to be near. If they didn't want me around, why would they have gone recruiting me in the first place?  
  
Q: Maybe they thought that you'd change with time.  
  
A: Maybe so. Probably so. Well, I hate to disappoint them, but it's not going to happen. It's the other way around -- the less I have to do with them, the better. Oh, I train with them, I fight bad guys with them, I smile and nod and obey everything Xavier says like a good little lap dog. I just don't want them to think that I need taking care of, because I don't. DarkFire wrote a story about me called which has it down. The only reason I stay with them is that I've got a feeling it could be a lot worse.  
  
Q: A lot of writers have you returning to the Brotherhood. Have you ever thought about that?  
  
A: Of course I have. After Asteroid M, when I realized that Mystique and Magneto weren't coming back, I thought maybe it would be a good time to make my escape. After the soccer game incident, I was too angry to do anything for a while. If I was back with them, I would make sure they wouldn't do anything stupid like that for a _long_ time. Something tells me that Tabby was out to lunch the day they were dishing out common sense.  
  
Anyway, yeah, but in every story where I go back, it's usually because of my newfound feelings for Lance or Speedy. They don't seem to get that girls can make decisions that aren't influenced by the men in their lives.  
  
Stories where I lose my powers... yeah, it would be nice, I don't deny that. But I wouldn't just realize that I liked someone just because I could touch them all of a sudden. The fact that I can't is only part of why I don't feel like I could be with a guy. It's mostly the attitude I took on ever since my powers first surfaced. The untouchable attitude, in more ways than one. Pretending like I don't want to get close, so I won't get hurt once I do, blah, blah, blah. I think it would take a long time to get over that, and most fics have my ability to touch be only temporary.   
  
There's more than love than just the physical part, and none of the guys I've ever met understand that. Not even Scott.  
  
Conversely, there are a couple of stories where my powers go out of control... or I get new ones altogether. In some of them, I permanently absorb this Ms. Marvel chick. I guess that wouldn't be too bad -- being able to fly after we fought Magneto in the city was, hands down, one of the coolest experiences of my life. And super strength wouldn't be too bad, either.  
  
Other times, I get to do stuff like reading minds. Just what I need -- to be more like Jean.  
  
Q: What's your biggest complaint?  
  
A: That whether I'm losing my powers, getting new ones, rejoining the Brotherhood, or being betrayed by my friends, I'm never the one in control in any of these fics. I always need someone else's help to deal with whatever life throws at me... usually someone male and attractive, but not always. They turn me into a lovestruck weakling whenever I'm with Scott, just like they make me into some kind of wild girl whenever it's Lance or Pietro. Sure, I was a little scared and confused when Mystique and the X-Men were fighting over me, but wouldn't you be? Besides, I got over it. I'm not totally weak and vulnerable just because I don't know where I'm going in life. Show me a teenager who does, and I'll... well, I'll probably say that they've been brainwashed.  
  



	3. RoseColored Glasses

3: Rose-Colored Glasses  
  
_This was my original idea. Honest. To move rather gracefully from the founder of the X-Men to their established leader, but Rogue got in the way and demanded to know who I was and what I was doing with the camera. When I started firing questions at her, she answered them enthusiastically. Let's see if our next victim... er, subject...will do the same._  
  
Q: They don't understand you, do they?  
  
A: And I thought I'd only have to deal with two telepaths in my lifetime.  
  
Q: I'm not. But I have been reading a lot of fan fiction. I assume that you've been doing the same?  
  
A: It's a favorite pastime. Jean and I take turns picking out the most impossible stories and laughing ourselves stupid. It may seem kind of childish, but it's the only time we get to hang out together without interruptions from Duncan _(assumes sour expression)_, Taryn, or evil mutants.  
  
Q: Is Jean the only girl you carry a torch for?  
  
A: Yeah, but you'd better make it the only _person_. These writers have to be not only insane, but stupid, too, if they haven't noticed that I've been interested in her from day one. In the beginning, it was great, since most Evo fans were also comics fans who _knew_ that our relationship was a big part of the story.   
  
Now, even if they _have_ noticed it, it doesn't stop them from pairing me with _(counts on fingers)_ Rogue, Taryn, Lance, Kurt, Todd, Duncan, for crying out loud, and even (once) Alex.  
  
Q: You're kidding, right?  
  
A: I wish I was. And we were all crossing our fingers that the incest would be confined to the Harry Potter section.   
  
I'll never understand why team rivalry or rivalry over a girl equals attraction to each other in their book. I think the worst example was when an author threw me and Lance together just because the readers suggested it, even though the story already contained Todd/Kurt and Evan/Pietro.  
  
Kurt's like a little brother -- I don't need an analyst to tell me that I created a surrogate one for myself when I thought I'd lost Alex. I watch out for the fuzzy one like I watch out for all the others. It's part of my job description. Not that I mind.   
  
Taryn's nice to talk to, but I don't think I could be with someone I couldn't talk to about the most important thing in my life. I don't know sometimes why Jean tries, even though that could be my jealousy talking. Kurt doesn't know how lucky he was when Amanda still wanted to see him after knowing the truth.  
  
I see Rogue as a sister and a teammate, and I'm glad she's finally satisfied with that. Even though sometimes it's hard to tell when she's satisfied with anything. I knew about her crush on me, but I knew it would never turn into anything. I think we both did.  
  
Q: She has it tough. But then, so do you, wouldn't you say?  
  
A: Yeah, I guess. Want to know what I like? Weirdly enough, I like the angst stories the best. Not the ones where I'm mooning over Jean, or anyone else, for that matter. But the ones where I have to worry about losing control of my powers or goofing up on a mission and getting us all killed. You might not think that I like reading about that kind of stuff, but it's like I'm getting my fears out in the open. Facing the possibilities. I wouldn't survive if I thought that it was always going to turn out okay, even though it usually does.  
  
Q: If you don't mind me asking, what's the hardest part?  
  
A: The responsibility. I've heard the With great power comes... speech. I don't think there's any hero that hasn't. And I don't buy it. It wasn't like I asked to be a mutant, or the fearless leader, for that matter. And it wasn't like I could say no once I was in the middle of it. I knew that I could either play along or get thrown out. So I played along. I don't regret it, though. Not usually.   
  
There are a few stories where I have to deal with that, but not many. Most of them just assume that Cyclops is my true identity and Scott is the disguise, and that I'm totally okay with that. And that isn't true -- not yet -- no matter how much the professor wishes it.   
  
Q: You seem to be awfully eager to please him.  
  
A: What are you talking... oh, man, nobody's slashed me with him yet, have they?  
  
Q: Not to my knowledge. I'm talking about the other rumor. You have heard it, haven't you?  
  
A: I was hoping you wouldn't bring that up. In a way, it's worse than all the slash. In there, at least I know what I want most of the time, even if I realize it so quickly it's ridiculous or so slowly that readers stop reading because they're tired of waiting for something to happen.  
  
But there, at least I'm in control. Now, I know I'm here to talk about what they're saying about me, not what they're saying about Xavier, but...  
  
Q: But the two are strongly linked. Right?  
  
A: I was getting to that. I know that a lot of people -- my friends, the fans -- think I'm a tight-ass. That I follow the professor's rules too closely. Maybe so, and I know that they hate me for it sometimes. But in this case, I'd rather be hated than pitied, and I'd rather they give me the responsibility for my own actions instead of blaming it all on Xavier. Maybe I should be flattered -- they like me so much that they think my annoying qualities are the fault of someone else. I can't make myself see it that way, though. They have to understand that I'm not perfect.  
  
Q: And that you're not some sort of broken shell, are you?  
  
A: If I ever come across Neva in Subreality, I can't promise not to blast her through a wall. There's something almost pornographic about the way she writes it, me suffering in silence and putting up with constant mental violation, this shameful secret that I can't tell the others about. The writing isn't bad, even though it's obvious that she actually _likes_ torturing me like this. But she portrays me as a total invalid when Xavier's _not_ controlling me, and that's even worse.  
  
Q: The rumor is fed by some of the X-Men's actual escapades -- Rogue's change of sides, for instance, but especially your drastically altered attitude following the soccer game incident. I'm not trying to degrade you or Xavier, but have you ever, even for a second, considered that it might be true?  
  
A: _(Speaks more quickly as face begins to turn color of sunglasses)_ What? What are you talking about? I've never thought it. Lance and the others were wreaking chaos. They weren't showing any respect or any mercy. They were endangering all of us -- the students, the other X-Men. And they obviously meant to trigger the mass hysteria by telling everyone at once.  
  
(Slows down) I just don't get it. So I realize when I've made the wrong decision, and I actually follow the rules instead of vandalizing the school, sneaking off every night, or complaining. How does that signify that somebody is controlling me?  
  
A: Scott...  
  
Q: I gotta go. There's still homework I have to do. Thanks for listening.  
  
A/N: This one wasn't as good as the others, because -- I'll admit it -- I don't have the patience to look through pages of fics and see which ones focus on Scooter. You guys got the joke, right? When he was complaining about how we write him as brainwashed?   
  



	4. Don't Doubt the Fuzzy One

4: Don't Doubt the Fuzzy One  
  
_Calm down, Blue, and please stop threatening to alert Xavier. He was my first victim. No, I don't mean literally. He knows I'm here. I'll eat my microphone if you don't have something to say about how these mean old fanfic authors are treating you. That's what I thought._  
  
Q: Quick -- what annoys you the most? Don't think about it, just answer.  
  
A: The way they write my accent.  
  
Q: Get it wrong, do they?  
  
A: They just stick in random V's whenever they want. I doubt too many of them have heard a real German person speak.  
  
Q: Anything else?  
  
A: Oh, God, yes. Do you know how many people they've paired me with?  
  
Q: No, but I'm sure you're going to...  
  
A: _(Holds up one finger.)_ Kitty. Perhaps it was based on events soon after she joined us. The way she stayed with me after Rogue knocked me out, or our little adventure when we were chasing after Logan. I like her very much, and ja, I did have a crush on her when she first came to the Institute. She wasn't put off by my weirdness, and I didn't mind the way she talked. I never guessed that Lance liked her too. Not until it was too late.  
  
Now they have all these stories where he treats her like dirt and she comes crying to me. That was my fantasy when she first started paying attention to him. But that's all over now, I guess.  
  
Q: They've put you with Lance, too, right?  
  
A: Once or twice. Also Pietro, Todd, Scott, Tabby, Logan, and Amanda.  
  
Q: You and Amanda are actually together, right?  
  
A: _(Does little victory dance)_ Ja! I never expected it to work out, but it has. And one of the only authors who supports it enough to write about it is Jimaine, who hit the nail right on the head.  
  
But do the others see it? Nein! They have Amanda turn out to be a total obnoxious brat who freaks out whenever she sees anyone besides me use their powers. Why is it so hard for them to understand that some people can accept even the mutants they're not dating? These writers are hopeless. They are still living in the Dark Ages.  
  
Q: Speaking of the Dark Ages, do you have a comment on the number of writers who seem to want to pair their original characters with you?  
  
A: They all have crushes on me themselves, I expect. I thought I was kidding when I said that chicks dig the fuzzy dude, but now I guess not. I didn't mind the first few times, even though I did object to the fact that the second such-and-such a girl arrived at the Institute, I was acting like a lovesick fool or a sex-crazed little animal. When one or two authors did it, especially the good ones like Myranda Wright who writes for another reason than to satisfy her elfaholism, I did not mind. That Natalie Fairbanks seemed like a real person, instead of the paper-doll versions of themselves that some other authors sent my way.  
  
Q: Mary Sues, they're called.  
  
A: Thank you. Mary Sues. Beautiful, hip, sassy, and wunderbar fighters with amazing powers. The authors always seem to enjoy describing what their characters are wearing, right down to jewelry and accessories. As if anybody cares! Especially me! I already told you why I liked Kitty, and did it include the fact that her clothes were always in style? I have lived in this country long enough to pick up most of their culture, and the language of fashion is more foreign than English was when I first learned to speak it. And they have me commenting on boat-neck shirts and glitter bells? I am not even sure what most of these things are!   
  
Finally, each of these girls usually has some kind of mysterious past, and I, being Mystique's spawn, obviously commiserate. I seem to be very good at comforting people in this little fanfiction universe.  
  
I suppose I should be lucky that the much-maligned Mimic Chronicles gave romances between me and original characters such a bad name. Now they're all being paired with Pietro.  
  
Q: Is there more?  
  
A: Ja. My angst over my connections to Mystique. It totally freaked me out for a while, but I've gotten used to it. Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like if she never had to give me up, and there is still so much that I don't know. Someday, I will find out, but it isn't worth mooning over. Life's too short.  
  
A/N: This one wasn't very long either. Sorry to all you elfaholics. I just put in the stuff I've noticed. Stick around for more.  
  
  



	5. The Cat's Meow

5: The Cat's Meow  
  
_Hey, you. Yes, you. Can I talk to you? Am I one of whose pranks? No, as a matter of fact, I'm not._  
  
Q: So, speaking of the devil, how are things going with Lance?  
  
A: As good as can be expected, with Mystique hanging around and everything. Luckily, his aren't about to rat him out, even though I'm still totally stumped about whether it's out of loyalty or 'cause they're scared he's going to bring the house down around their heads.  
  
Q: Even the fan fiction writers seem to be rooting for you guys, wouldn't you say?  
  
A: Yeah, it's pretty great, isn't it? Even... you _know_, the sexy ones. I can't imagine ever doing those kinds of things, not even with Lance. (Giggles) We're just not there yet, and I don't even know where we'd get the time. I mean, we have to keep looking over our shoulders every time we want to have a conversation.  
  
When he, like, accosted me at the school assembly, I thought he was just being his usual obnoxious self. He just didn't know how to show that he really cares about someone. Yeah, he went against me when we first met, and a lot of people -- especially Scott -- think he's going to do it again. But people change. Lance seems to bring out the best in me, actually. And in stories, I'm always bringing out the best in him, including his romantic side.  
  
Q: He has a romantic side?  
  
A: _(Indignantly)_ It's there! You just have to look close. You're interviewing him, too, right? Then I'll let him tell his side of it.  
  
Q: So you're not even interested in Kurt?  
  
A: _Kurt?_ We're just friends. He was always teasing me, or 'porting right in front of me in the halls and making me drop whatever I was carrying. And I would shriek like I was supposed to, and he would demand, Did I scare you? Did I scare you? That was the total extent of our relationship. (Shakes head) Maybe I was stupid. Maybe I should have realized it. But I didn't.   
  
Q: Do the stories have anything in common that you've noticed?  
  
A: Well, lately, they've been all about either Lance betraying me and Kurt picking up the pieces. Or one of us being captured and realizing their true feelings for the other. It's like they think it would take a catastrophe for me to figure out how I really feel. And it might, because it never did registered that Kurt was interested in me. Guess they think I'm shallow for a reason.  
  
And that's another thing. In most of the fanfics I've read, they have me saying every third word! Hel_-lo!_ Nobody actually talks like that, no matter how much of a valley girl they are. Is there something wrong with the way I talk?  
  
Q: Absolutely nothing. You don't seem to be that much of an airhead.  
  
A: I like to shop. So does, like, every other girl I've ever hung out with (except maybe Rogue). Jubilee is actually the mall rat of the group, not me. I've never cared that much about having a boyfriend, and even when I got one, I was happy because he's Lance, and I care about him. All my friends back home would have noticed is that I scored myself, like, a total beefcake.   
  
Q: Most of the slashers have left you alone. Any guesses why?  
  
A: All they've really done is pair me and Rogue up. What is with these people using resentment as proof that two people like each other. Well, not that Rogue and I resent each other anymore, but you know what I mean. And answering your question, I don't know why. Maybe it's 'cause a lot of friendships between girls are so intimate anyway that it's not as much fun to write about, you know?  
  
Q: It has been done, but I get what you mean.  
  
A: Something that I've noticed is that the less a writer likes me, the sillier or nastier I sound and act. We all get that, I guess. It's like, since the author doesn't like me, I'm not allowed to sound realistic. That way, there isn't even a teensy chance that anyone else will like me, either.  
  
Q: So, you think an antagonistic character loses his or her power if everyone hates them, no matter what... or it's only equally nasty people who would ever want to side with them?  
  
A: (_Nods eagerly)_ Yes! In all the fics where I'm this total snotty bitch, everyone treats me like squashed flies on the windshield. No real threat, just something to scrape off.  
  
Q: Some of them think that your ultra-cheerful attitude is just a facade for something darker. Any comments?  
  
A: You mean being suicidal... or homicidal, for that matter? Or do you mean secretly being some sort of super-ninja? For the second one, I actually pay attention when Logan's teaching us martial arts (instead of playing Karate Kid like Bobby and Sam). And for the second -- and this is something that I don't know if fanficcers are ever going to get -- not everyone who's happy most of the time is hiding some kind of dark inner pain.  
  
I guess the only thing that the others haven't realized about me is that I'm not always happy there, and the reason I study so hard -- and even _(gives embarrassed grin)_ sometimes resort to wearing pyramid hats to help me focus better -- is that I want to make sure that I have a future after this place. And outside it. I want to really, really believe it, too. Maybe if there's one thing I really, really owe to Lance, it's reminding me that there may be something waiting for me that Professor Xavier or my parents didn't map out for me ahead of time. And that maybe that isn't such a bad thing.  
  



	6. Open Rap

A/N: I know a lot of people wanted me to do a chapter for Evan next, but my muse gave me this idea and it stuck. I think a lot of you will agree with some of the arguments presented in this chapter. It's occurred to me that a lot of female authors might be ignoring the New Mutants because they think all the cutest characters are either in the X-Men or the Brotherhood. They must not have gotten a good look at Roberto.  
  
6: Open Rap  
  
_Which one of you wants to go first? You have a common grievance? There's a new one.  
_  
Q: What's your common grievance?  
  
Bobby: WHERE ARE WE?  
  
Q: Please let go of my collar. This is my favorite jacket. Okay. You're, um, at the Xavier Institute. I thought you knew that.  
  
Bobby: No, no, I mean, where are we in the fanfics? Okay, there are a few -- Jubes was pinching herself --  
  
Jubilee: I was not!  
  
Bobby: -- when she saw a listing for a story called The New Mutants. Goes to show you that for the most part, authors seem to, um, TOTALLY forget we exist. They want to write a story about new recruits to the X-Men? Why don't they write a story about us?  
  
Q: Don't they?  
  
Sam: Heck, no.  
  
Q: And why not?  
  
All: Original characters!  
  
Q: Oh, dear.  
  
Roberto: You got that right, chica. Every time any of us turn around, a new mutant with an amazing power is tripping down the halls of the high school.  
  
Amara: Jean, or Kurt, or somebody, sees her using her powers and reports her to Xavier.  
  
Rahne: But the Brotherhood also has an eye out for her. Especially --  
  
Q: Pietro, right?  
  
Jubilee _(disgusted)_: Right. Anyway. Either she's attracted to him right away of she tells him to buzz off and becomes attracted to him later. The X-Men approach her, take her under their collective wing, introduce her to Professor Xavier, who _of course_ comes off as so kind and wonderful right away...  
  
Ray: Watch it, firecracker.  
  
Jubilee: Sorry. Got carried away there: What gets me is, she's always totally cool about wearing the uniforms and fighting in the Danger Room. Never even questions it. I was freaking out when I first saw what we were up against, even hypothetically. But these girls are, like, panting to show off their powers. And they're always pretty, _always_ getting the best of the Brotherhood...  
  
Sam: What gets me is that they always try to give her some sort of tragic past to balance the perfection issue.  
  
Amara: And she's always completely in control of her powers, and not scared or confused at all. Why?  
  
Jamie: Her weakness is something like being afraid of the water, or fainting every time she uses her power too much.  
  
Bobby: If they're going to introduce their own characters, the least they could do was have them start training with us, like Lance did when he joined the team for a while.  
  
Q: You keep saying Are all original characters girls?  
  
Roberto: Most of them, _sin duda_. Probably because a lot of the authors are. Male characters usually end up joining the Brotherhood for some reason. At least they have interesting problems. People invading their heads, that kind of thing. Very cool.  
  
Jubilee: Neva introduced an original guy character. _And_ gave us lots of screen time.  
  
Bobby: Whoop-de-do.  
  
Jubilee: You just don't like it because she made me have a crush on him.  
  
Bobby: No, I don't like it because she made me a jerk! And you _were_ getting all goopy-eyed while you were reading about you and what's-his-name together.  
  
Ray: Stephen.  
  
Jamie: I was in somebody's story.  
  
Q: Whose?  
  
Jamie: It was called (scrunches face up) Message to a Pawn. By Post. It was kinda scary, but kinda cool.  
  
Q: Anti-Xavier, right?  
  
Jubilee: Right! I was in there, too.  
  
Q: On the whole, why do you think that most writers neglect you and replace you with their own characters?  
  
Bobby: Because they don't have enough background on us?  
  
Ray: This is alternate universe, people! Make something up if you have to!  
  
Jubilee: Because they want to fit their own characters in with the mutants of their choice. Like Shades. Or Kurt. Or Pietro. But, yeah, I think Bobby had something there. They haven't seen enough of us, so they figure, Why bother? I mean, if we're just going to be making stuff up anyway, why not put in our own people? They've gotten to know the original X-Men. It's safer to write about them.  
  
Jamie: They should take a chance.  
  
Roberto: And stop writing about us only if they want to slash me with Bobby or something.  
  
Rahne: And pay attention to what is instead of how they want it to be.  
  
Bobby: Forget them taking chances. They should give _us_ a chance. An original character has to be really original, and not just in terms of powers anymore, to have any reviewer give them the time of day. It's more trouble than it's worth. But an author who actually pays attention to us and tries to keep us in character even though they _don't_ have much to go on if they were never into the comics... that would show real talent. Might even start a new Thing. And we wouldn't mind one bit.   
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. No Bones About It

Chapter 7: No Bones About It  
  
Q: I'm sorry, who are you again?  
  
A: You're joking, right? You better be!  
  
Q: Writers have been giving you the cold shoulder, huh?  
  
A: Dude, I just don't get it! What'd I ever do to them?  
  
Q: I'll ask the questions. What _do_ you think you ever did to them?  
  
A: I don't know. Maybe they have something against skateboarders. Maybe they don't like people who goof off in class? Nah, makes no sense. The Loserhood pays even less attention than I do, and everyone flocks toward them. I mean, when _they_ screw up, they're misunderstood, but when _I_ screw up, everyone's all, Oh, look how pathetic he is!  
  
Q: Speaking of the (_chortles_) Loserhood, can we talk for a sec about your preoccupation with the Maximoff family?  
  
A: My bizarre... oh, yeah.  
  
Q: Why do you think so many people put you with Wanda at first?  
  
A: _Wanda_? Are you serious? That chick's psycho!  
  
Q: This was before anyone knew what she was really like. They were making it up as they went.  
  
A: Their versions I could understand. Man, if only she'd turned out like that really. Could you say the question again?  
  
Q: They felt they had to provide some love interest for Wanda, and more than one of them picked you. Any idea why?  
  
A: (_Scratches head_) Maybe because I'm the only X-Man who's not really attached. I mean, they've got all these theories about Scott and Jean, Kitty and Lance, Rogue and (_makes face_) Pietro...   
  
Q: Which opens up a whole 'nother can of worms. I'm told that they like putting you with Pietro, too. Am I right?  
  
A: Yuh-huh. It has something to do with us once being friends --  
  
Q: Were you?  
  
A: Yeah, before we joined the basketball team. We started winning games because he was so fast, and he started taking all the credit. That made me mad. I know I don't seem much like a team player, but I really was. Least when it came to basketball. So I tried to make him see that he wasn't that great, and he thought I was trying to upstage him, and (shrugs) things went on from there.  
  
Rivalry is a big part of the basis for slash, I think. The whole attract/repel deal. Or maybe they think we're trying to impress each other. I guess to some people, all the times Pietro's dissed me might seem like he was hitting on me. Like when we were little kids and used to put sand in girls' dresses.  
  
I've never understood why people who hate each other so much suddenly can't live without each other.  
  
Q: Do you hate Pietro? Most of the fics seem to portray you as harboring some sort of huge grudge against him, if the two of you aren't a couple.  
  
A: He's the one with the grudge, not me! I guess he has good reason, I mean, I did turn him in and everything. But I don't hold anything against him. I don't know what he ever did to me, besides decide that always being the best at everything was more important than your friends. Nothing that would make me as hostile as I am in those stories. I'm totally out for blood there. Okay, sometimes I call up the times he used to get on my case, like when we're in battle or something, because it helps me fight harder and I don't want to let the others down.   
  
They write slash between close friends, but between enemies, too. You can't win with these people, I'm telling you. And Pietro's and my names are linked whether they're slashing us or not. I have a life outside of him, you know.  
  
Q: What sort of life?  
  
A: School. I really do my best. It's not like I goof off on purpose, and I hate seeing the look on the Prof's face when we bring home our report cards. I got a social life, too, sort of. I hang out with the guys who go 'boarding with me. Man, that's what I really love. No lectures, no grades, no Spyke, you were supposed to... Nobody to judge me but me and the pavement. It's the one thing that still makes me feel like me. I didn't want to come here to the Institute, you know? I didn't want to acknowledge that I was a freak. They practically bribed me --  
  
Q: Evan?  
  
A: Whoa, what was I saying there?  
  
Q: If you could ask one thing of fanfic writers, what would it be?  
  
A: Just make me seem like a person! That so much to ask? Give me a past, likes besides 'boarding -- awesome though it might be -- and dislikes besides Pietro. Okay, maybe they can keep me out of their fanfics. From what else I've heard about what they do to people in there, it's probably better. But they make the others all complex-like -- except for me. They might not like me hanging out with their favorite characters, but I'm _there_, whether they like it or not. And they should stop treating me like a mistake that the powers that be realized too late. 


	8. The Red Menace

Chapter 8: The Red Menace

I'm aware of all the injustices that have been done to Xavier. I spoke with him already. No, you can't read my mind to make sure. You'll just have to trust me.

Q: Okay, what about you?

A: Evan's always complaining about how he's ignored by the fans. He should consider himself lucky.

Q: So should everyone who's left out altogether.

A: I just want to know what everyone finds so…appalling about me.

Q: Care to make a guess?

A: Well, they don't really like what's going on between me, Scott, and Duncan. Have they ever actually seen me going for Duncan? _He's_ always the one coming after _me_. I complied a couple of times because I didn't think Scott would be interested in me,

A: They think I'm some kind of perfectionist. It sure is news to _me_.

Q: You've never tried to be the best?

A: (Smiles) I do… the best I can be. Never better than anyone else.

Q: And they resent you because they think you're too perfect. Anything to say about that?

A: They resent me because they don't think I have any problems. All of a sudden, a person needs to have a tragic past to be interesting or likeable! Why do you think everyone writes about the Brotherhood? Lance, Pietro, Wanda, Tabitha… and then look at the other X-Men they focus on most: Scott (_smiles again, very slightly_), Rogue, and Kurt. All of them lost their families and have powers that make their lives really… difficult.

Q: Do you hold that against them?

A: Of course not. I'm sorry for all of them. And I also feel sorry for Lance and the others.

Q: You seem to have some idea why this bias exists in fan fiction.

A: It's the angst (makes disgusted noise). They're all addicted to tragedy. We're (_frowns_) defined more by what's been done to us in the past than by what we're like now. If you've been abused in the past, they're all over it. Abandoned by a parent, ditched by everyone you've ever trusted – even better. And if you have a superpower that totally prevents you from ever pretending that you're normal – that's best of all. And they assume that since I don't have any of those problems, mine must not be any more serious than a broken fingernail. And I'm sick of it.

Q: They also seem to have something against the you-Scott-Duncan triangle. That you're going out with Duncan for status, and stringing Scott along on the side. Anything to say about that?

A: They're the ones who made it a triangle, not me. Is it a crime to not know exactly what you want? I liked them both. Duncan flattered me and makes me feel normal…

Q: But you couldn't be yourself around him?

A: I could, though. Just a different part of myself. The others… they play this whole weird double-life game. I guess a lot of people are wondering why I don't have a codename. It's because I don't think that the me that my classmates see and the one my teammates see are two different people. They're not… they're just separate aspects of the same person. I don't want to forget who I am. 

That wasn't why we broke up, though. Funny – I can survive a fight with the Brotherhood, but I can't tell my boyfriend when it's over, that he's not seeing me at all. I wasn't stringing Scott along, either. I would never do that, unlike…

Q: Yes?

A: What was I saying?

Q: That you would never string Scott along.

A: Well, I wouldn't. And it sure came as a surprise to me that he was interested. I thought that all the times he was looking out for me, he was being his usual fearless-leader self. I thought.

Q: That it was Cyclops paying all that extra attention to you, not Scott? You did mention dual lives.

A: Basically.

Q: Next question. A lot of people seem to think that you use your powers needlessly.

A: Like the time I saved Duncan from that monster at the dance? _I_ sure think that was needless.

Q: More along the lines of when that boy caught Kurt without his image inducer.

A: Oh, that.

Q: Yes… that.

A: I did what I had to. Just like the professor did.

Q: Really?

A: Yes!

Q: I see.

A: Okay, fine!

Q: Okay, fine, what?

A: I saw that kid, and the way he reacted to Kurt, and I reacted instinctively. To protect both of them. I didn't think, "Who would believe him anyway? It's not like mutants have been broadcasted on TV or anything like that." And I sure didn't wonder why I was violating a normal person's mind even though we're supposed to see them as equals.

They complain that I'm perfect. Things like this should prove that I'm not perfect, right? I do dumb things, okay? I make mistakes. And I try to learn from them?

Q: So you don't think that sort of thing will be happening again?

A: I wish I could say that.


	9. Only Human

A/N: WARNING! WARNING! Shameless self-promotion here: The concepts discussed in this chapter are also one of the main subjects of the Wallglass Saga, my other current project. This chapter is dedicated to the Marvel-ous Jimaine: fan, splendid writer, and source of comic-facts (even when I don't ask for them).

Chapter 9: Only Human

Whoa! No, sorry, it's my fault. I should have watched where I was going. Say, who are you? You don't live here, do you? You're dating whom? Oh, I've heard of you. 

Q: Say, you don't actually have any extraordinary powers, do you?

A: No. What made you think I did.

Q: The fan fiction writers, maybe?

A: They mention me? Most of them seem to have their hearts set on pairing Kurt with Kitty. Isn't she going out with Lance Alvers?

Q: Isn't Kurt going out with you?

A: Yes, he is. We met at the dance. Look, since you asked if I had any powers, you know that he does, right?

Q: Uh-huh.

A; Good. I guess I was kind of freaked when I first saw him, but I wouldn't have invited him to the dance if I was about to break his heart or if I were disgusted by the way he looked. I _like_ the way he looks. But I liked him before I knew about that, too. They don't think there's any place for a positive, completely human character in their world of super-powered mutants.

Q: What, do they make you a spy for the Friends of Humanity or something?

A: A spy for the what?

Q: Never mind.

A: It sounds familiar. I remember there was this one story where they hinted at something like that. That I was just going out with him to gather information on the Institute. I spent the night here, see, and kept them all night asking annoying questions and gushing about Kurt. They called me "stupid." And "bitchy." And the next morning, I practically told my parents everything about this place.

Q: Creative —

A: License. I know. And I know that if I'm going to be part of his life, I'm going to have to deal with it. But it doesn't stop me from wondering what they could have heard me say to make them think that this is how I am. I know they wanted a reason for Kurt to break up with me and run to Kitty, but I think they went a little over the top.

Q: You think they only do things like this because they're major Kurtty shippers?

A: Seems to be the main reason.

Q: Do you think their treatment of you would be any different if you were a mutant?

A: It's hard to say. Some of them are convinced I secretly am — or that I have magical powers or something. Jimaine, at least — she's one of the only writers who manages to really support Kurt and me being together, her and Red Witch and maybe a couple others — anyway, she has some sort of historical backing for it. She did two versions of this one story, one where I was some sorceress disguised as me —

Q: Sounds complicated.

A: It isn't really. She was basing it on the comics she likes to read, I think. So there was that, and there was the version where she just worked from what she'd seen. At least she managed to entertain the possibility of a normal human — a "flatscan" I've heard us called — being one of the good guys. Or girls. But the others just give me powers because they don't think I ever would have accepted Kurt otherwise. Because "normal" girlfriends can never, never, never know the truth. Otherwise they might actually try to handle things themselves and do something besides get rescued.

Q: Sounds like you would have been a shoe-in for the Bayville Sirens.

A: That was a compliment, right? But it's not really about that. It's not that we're female that makes us helpless, in their eyes. It's that we don't have any special abilities. We're always the ones screaming in the streets, terrorized by the villains, and getting our memories erased at the end of the story.

Q: People think "X-Men" and they're going to think of ordinary people who fear and hate what they can't understand. Look at the humans Kurt's friends have interacted with so far. Duncan. Taryn. Principal Kelly. Kitty's and Evan's parents. And you. 

A: I'm the only one who knew the truth and had a choice whether she accepted it or not. And I did. And I guess this is isn't the worst kind of abuse I'm going to have to put up with, especially if anyone else finds out what he is. But I doubt there's any chance of that happening anytime soon.


	10. Rock It Inside Out

A/N: I'm skipping Storm and Wolvie, because they don't appear in fanfic often enough to have something to complain about. Due to popular demand, here's the Brotherhood!

Chapter 10: Rock It Inside Out

Whew! Goddess, it was good to get away from that place! I've got a feeling, though, that by the time I'm done with these two… Oh, hi. I'm from The Inside Story — it's a Subreality interview enterprise — and I'd like to ask you a couple of questions. What? No, we're not a tabloid. What? No, I'm not Mystique in disguise. I'm glad you asked — I'm here to talk to you about fan fiction. And I didn't say so because you looked like you were about to bring the house down. Literally. Can I come in?

Q: Thank you. When I interviewed the X-Men, I started with unconventional pairings. Want to talk about that?

A: You interviewed the X-Geeks, too? What did Kitty say about me?

Q: Only good things. Trust me.

A: Good. 'Cause I thought she might be believing the fan fiction authors instead of the real thing. A lot of them have me acting like some sort of wuss-bucket who can't think straight when I'm around her. I've _taught_ myself to do that, you know? How do you think I survived all those battles with us on opposite sides? But they make it sound like all it takes is one glance into those pretty blue eyes of hers… and that _smile_…

Q: Lance?

A: What? Oh, sorry. Yeah, I like her. A lot. The days when I only want something from her are over, believe me. But I don't leave teddy bears in her locker, I don't serenade her, and I can still make decisions that aren't based on what she might think of me. If she doesn't want the real thing, there are plenty of other guys who would love to get a chance at her.

Q: Like Kurt?

A: A lot like that. Where are they getting it, anyway? She's been living in the same house with him for more than a year, and nothing's happened yet. Nothing's ever going to happen, so they should just stop dreaming.

Q: Well, look at Jean and Scott…

A: I try to look at Summers as little as possible. Uh, where were we?

Q: Kitty with you as opposed to Kurt?

A: Oh, yeah. The thing is, whenever she's with me and decides that she likes him more, the writers try to make me as big of a jerk as possible. Sometimes I pick on her friends, sometimes I turn out to be spying for Boss-Lady and Magneto, sometimes they've even got me raping or hurting her… like I'd _ever_… (_Clenches one fist_)

Q: Easy there.

A: So the point is, she never has any choice but to run to Blue-Boy. I've actually seen stories that pair the two of us — me and him, I mean. Anyone with half a brain cell could see that he likes girls.

Q: What about you and Scott?

A: You want to know what I thought before or after I stopped puking?

Q: After, please.

A: Okay. Me and Summers? Nuh-uh. Sometimes when you hate someone's guts, it means that you secretly want to get in their pants… but sometimes it means you just hate their guts. I could never — in a zillion years — imagine myself with a preppie like that. Especially one of cue-ball's brainwashed soldiers.

Q: And you and Pietro?

A: Whenever they write about me and him together, there's always drugs involved. Or abuse from his dad. Or both. I don't know where they're getting the drug thing — our lives are already screwed up enough — and the other… he doesn't talk about it much, but he seems to be handling things pretty well. And he's never cried on my shoulder or anything like that, but trust me, if he was falling apart, I'd know.

Q: So you and he are good friends?

A: The four of us are… or something. I don't know what's going to happen now that Mystique's back and Wanda's here, but we stayed together even after we were ditched. You go through as much together as the four of us have, and you end up feeling something besides wanting to kick each other's asses. He and Toad were good about stealing food after Mystique split, I lied so Smelly Kelly didn't send anyone from the Board of Ed to investigate, and Freddy tried not to eat all the food in one sitting. We got used to each other. We got to kind of like each other. I don't know where anyone got the idea of anything special — friendship or otherwise — between me and Speedy. I mean, we weren't even the first ones here. Toad was. Maybe because we're the closest in age and everyone thinks Freddy's too stupid to be part of a real friendship.

Q: The other pairings… like you and Rogue?

A: Me and Rogue? Okay, yeah, I can see it happening. We've both had seriously messed-up lives. I know I've had a hard time admitting that I can care about anyone. Maybe she does too. I've got more in common with her than I do with Kitty, but… this is going to sound corny.

Q: Try me.

A: I can't really think of any, um, evidence against me and Rogue, or maybe me and Tabby, except that they're not the ones I want. Kitty is. If I got with someone who had a past like mine, we would've been brought together by what went wrong in our lives. With her, we're together because things are finally going right. For both of us. And I hope they're going to keep going right. There are a couple more things I want to say. Ready?

Q: Okay.

A: Don't expect her to reform me, or make me anything different than what I am. I don't have to be either a blowhole or a pansy. And somebody's got to do something about those rock puns they keep having me make. They don't even sound funny to me anymore. (Blinks, then glances around) Did I really just say all that? Maybe I should warn Pietro about loose lips before you start talking to him.


	11. Can't Catch Me

A/N: Okay, here it is, the one you've been waiting for! I think this whole thing is set between Hex Factor and Day of Reckoning, so Wanda's here but things haven't gone completely awry yet.

Chapter 11: Can't Catch Me

Q: Hey, where'd you go?

A: Over here! No, wait, here I am! _(Throws himself onto the couch)_ Okay, shoot.

Q: How are you coping with your sudden popularity?

A: I always thought that coping was what you did when something bad happened. It wasn't sudden, either. I've always been expecting it. Maybe not like this, but…

Q: Elaborate.

A: They like pairing me with Rogue because they think we have tragic pasts in common. We were both used by big bad mutants and all that. But I'm associated with Magneto, and _he's_ associated with Mystique, so… Or with Kitty, for completely random reasons. Do they know what Lance would do to me if I put the moves on her? Or with Tabby, who moves too fast even for me. And _what_ is with everyone thinking I'm gay?

Q: They've thought that about most of the characters.

A: Nah, they're just playing "what if" when they do that. But they think I act it. Is it because I made my own costume? Because I'm proud of the way I look? Man, you should _see_ how much attention Matthews pays to his hair. Because I dressed Fuzzy up at the mall? Because I don't go around punching out everyone who gets on my nerves? Is it because of my voice? Do you guys realize that what you're doing is stereotyping? Making premature, intolerant judgments?

Q: Are you?

A: Am I what? Oh. None of your business. I'm just saying that their reasons for _thinking_ I am are pretty stupid.

Q: Maybe it's just the way you react to the guys in your presence.

A: What, you mean Daniels? I think Lancey's covered that already. Say it with me: just because we're fighting all the time doesn't mean there's anything going on between us. Got it? Good. And speaking of Lance, just because we live in the same house… I mean, not that I have anything against him. I can almost see what Kitty sees in him, even though I have no idea what he sees in her.

Let's say that I did have a thing for Lance. Isn't it obvious that he'd never like me back? He only has eyes for her — has ever since we first met each other. Of course, she could always turn out to betray him and I could be there to pick up the pieces. Don't think that hasn't been done in fanfic, because it has. It's the easiest way to deal with an already established couple. Haven't these people ever heard of growing apart?

And there's always so much god-damn angst involved! Like he's the one to protect me from the monster under the bed — or, I guess, on the other end of the cell phone.

Q: Is that how you think of him? As a monster?

A: Oh, man, who are you, Oprah?

Q: Don't insult me.

A: Fine. I know what they think I think of him. That I'm afraid of him, that I know in my heart or somewhere around there that he's treating me like a lackey, but I still do whatever he says.

Q: How much of that is true?

A: Oprah again. Even though my circumstances kind of make for more of a Jerry Springer episode. Anyway, I'd have to say two out of three. Damn straight I'm afraid of him. I've seen what he can do to people who disobey him, or don't see things from his side, or people he just thinks are taking up space… _(Shudders, then shoots a Death Look as if daring the interviewer to tell anyone)_ And I know that he treats me like a lackey. All I have to do is call him Father to his face to remember what he thinks of me.

Q: But do you do everything he says?

A: Not _everything_. _(Looks around)_ You're not going to tell anyone about this, are you?

Q: My lips are sealed.

A: After the whole thing on Asteroid M — you know about that, right? Thought so. He contacted me, right? He wanted me to join him. I said no way. _(Looks extremely uncomfortable)_

Q: What's your biggest complaint?

A: Lemme think. Okay, got one. When they're writing about me, they never seem to be satisfied with the whole package. If I have to be the love interest in one of their stupid new-girl-at-the-school stories, I'm all charming and lady-killer and full of myself… What?

Q: No comment. Go on.

A: And never serious. But if it's anything else, I'm all full of angst about my dad… or about one of my housemates, of course. Or Daniels. Arrogant Pietro or Damaged Pietro, take your pick, everyone!

You know what's one thing they do have right? My relationship with Wanda. I _am_ still confused about who to believe — myself included, of course. I _am_ sorry for what happened to her, but I _do_ think it happened for a reason, and I _do_ know better than to ever let her know I think either of those things. I know she doesn't want my pity. She doesn't even want anything to do with me. But she's gotten me to think about some things that I wouldn't be thinking about if she hadn't shown up. Let's just leave it at that.

Wow, Lance was right about this honesty thing. Don't expect it to become a habit from me, though, all right?


	12. Not Easy Being Green

A/N: There's more where this came from, everyone: If you want to read more great character-rants, check out amber-goddess' "Forgotten."

Chapter 12: Not Easy Being Green

Q: Where do you want to start?

A: We've been talkin' for a couple of minutes, and I haven't said "yo" once, have I?

Q: Nope.

A: Great! So I can do it! (_Shoots out tongue to consume a passing fly_) What? Oh, sorry. You want one? My mama always told me it was polite to offer food to your guests.

Q: No, thanks. You were saying?

A: You know how they always have Lance's little Kitty-Cat saying "Like" two or three times in one sentence? Well, they don't have me saying "yo" that much, but it's a lot, believe me. She don't talk like that. I don't talk like this. Got it?

Q: Got it. What else?

A: I'm not going to even _talk_ about the ones who like to pair me with Fuzzy or Pietro or any of those guys. What I'm most interested in is why all them fangirls think I'm so sexy. (Looks from side to side) Between you and me, there's only one girl I want to notice me. And she's livin' right upstairs and makin' mirrors break whenever Speedy walks into a room.

Q: Wanda?

A: Not so loud! Yeah, but if you tell anyone, I'll slime you. _She_ don't even know. I'm waiting for the right time to tell her. But back to the fangirls. Not that I don't like the attention, but, I mean, look at me. I bathe maybe once a month. I'm funny-lookin'. And the others tell me I'm pretty damn obnoxious. Don't see why any girl in her right mind would want this. (_Grins_) Good thing Wanda ain't exactly in her right mind.

But the writers have this thing about pairing their little Mary Sues with me. And it's always because they think I'm _cute_. I'm not. And I don't want to be.

Q: What bothers you most of all?

A: The way they all _pity_ me. You know, I was surfin' the Net last week when I was supposed to be workin' on a book report, and I decide to do a little summary search for my name. 'Cause I'm bored, you know? And what do you think I see?

Q: I can't imagine.

A: I see a whole lot of summaries with… what's the word for different ways of saying somethin'?

Q: Um… variations?

A: Yeah, that's it! I knew it'd be a good idea to pay attention in English class. I really dig that class sometimes, you know. I don't know why they make it seem like all of us hate school. I mean, I don't love it, but Mystique never had to haul _me_ out of bed.

Q: Really?

A: For sure. 'Course, maybe it had to do with her not ever wanting to go in my room, but usually I was pretty happy to go to school. I like being able to make up stories. It's fun. I just wish I had one of them moms or dads to pin the good ones up on the fridge.

Q: You were talking about writers who pity you?

A: Yeah! So I'm surfing the Net, and I get (_clears throat and strikes a pose_) _variations_ on "Poor Todd is tired of his life, so he decides to end it." They actually think I'd go and kill myself! Why?

Q: Why indeed?

A: Well, mostly they think 'cause I'm the youngest, the others pick on me. Sure, Freddy threw me against the wall once, but he treats everyone like that. Ditto Mystique… well, besides the thrown-against-the-wall part. I'm small and smelly, but I'm also — hang on, this one I know — durable. I can take a beating. Don't like it, but I can take it. 

I'm not going to run off and kill myself just because I'm not getting enough attention. Lookin' like this, you have to get used to spendin' some time alone. Even though I don't have to worry about that, I've gotten to kinda like bein' by myself, and it's not 'cause I hate my life or nothing. I'm just not that much of a People Person, y'know?

Here's a thing about the fangirls. They want themselves a cute cuddly little toy that they can kiss the boo-boos away from. They want characters who've been broken, so they can self-insert themselves and fix us up. That ain't me, yo. Not all of us hate ourselves for being broken, but not all of us need fixin', either.

**

A/N: Thoughts on "X-Treme Measures":

To be honest, I've always rather liked Evan. I wasn't much into the comics when I first started watching Evo, so I didn't share the bias that longtime fans had toward him. Nor did I have too many problems with the way he talked, or his love of skateboarding. I always thought it was kind of neat that one of the X-Men was vehemently against joining at first, hadn't made any close friends inside the group, didn't always do well in school or save the day, and had a passionate interest besides fighting evil. (One of the best parts of the episode was his friends' reaction to his skateboarding performance: "This is his world.") He seems to get along pretty well with the New Mutants. I wonder if it's because he, like them, has often been treated like a troublemaker and/or a spare part.

As for the episode itself, I liked it a great deal. I loved the involvement of the Morlocks (Callisto rocks!), especially the mysterious pre-opening-theme scene where you had no idea what they were doing in the factory. (What did the owner of the company mean at the end? Is he going to use the sports drink to wipe out mutants?) I liked the subplot with Kitty's determination to drive (not to mention Xavier's look of pure terror at the end). I liked how that kid latched onto Evan, because it was very, um, realistic. If I was being picked on, I'd want someone with super-powers to hide behind. And I liked how they followed up on that scene in Blind Alley where Evan couldn't retract his spikes. Now that I think about it, it totally makes sense that he's with the Morlocks now. Because that's where Marrow came from, right?

Still, as the song goes, you don't know what you've got till it's gone. It's not outside the realm of possibility that he isn't. I mean, Tabitha left and came back, didn't she? (And where _is_ she now?) but although I never liked him as much as I liked Kitty, Lance, and Rogue, he was beginning to grow on me an awful lot. I think a story of his life underground would be just great. Must go talk to my muse about that.


	13. Slow and Steady

Chapter 13: Slow and Steady

Q: So, what's on your mind, big guy?

A: I don't want you calling me that.

Q: What shall I call you?

A: Fred would be okay.

Q: Fred it is. Your "brothers" had a lot to say.

A: They ain't my brothers. My brothers live on a farm about a million miles away from here. Lance and the others are my… I don't know, I guess they're my friends. You here to talk to me about fanfics?

Q: Yep. Anything you want to say?

A: I'm not sure, really. I haven't really found too much about me in those stories. The others are all complainin' about the pairings, but nobody's ever put me with anyone.

Q: Were you listening to us?

A: Don't need to. Lance and Todd argue about it all the time.

Q: So you miss being in fan fiction.

A: I dunno. (_Scratches Mohawk_) From what the others have said, it don't look like I'm missin' much.

Q: Any idea _why_ you've been left out?

A: I got a few.

Q: Any you want to tell me?

A: That's why you're here, right? They look at me and they see the fat guy. The Brotherhood muscle. The Blob. Watch a couple of old crime movies. The big sidekick guys never do a whole lot. Most of the time they don't even talk much. I mean they say "Yes Boss" and "Sorry Boss" but that's it. Came downstairs once, you know, and Todd was watching one of those movies. And he went (_pitches voice to a squeak_) "Look, Freddy, it's you!"

Q: How'd that make you feel?

A: None of your beeswax! But a lot of the fans are the same way. They don't think I'm very pretty, so they don't think anyone else will, either. They think I'm just around to lift cars and kidnap pretty girls.

Q: Pretty girls like Jean?

A: I wasn't planning on making her no prisoner! I was planning on treating her nice. But she had to call her stupid X-Geek friends on me. I've given up, anyway. She ain't gonna want me, any more than she wants Matthews. She wants Summers. She knows it, we know it, and the fans know it.

Q: Are you in love with _anyone_?

A: (_Looks at feet_) Not that I know of. I mean, there's not just the fat-guy thing and the Brotherhood thing, but there's the stupid thing, too.

Q: What thing, and what's stupid about it?

A: No, no, I mean the "stupid" thing. (_Makes little quote marks with fingers_) They think the only thoughts I ever got in my head are about eating and crushin' things. It's probably 'cause of the way I talk. Or 'cause I don't do too good in school sometimes. Learnin' just never came very easy. But they look at the big, lumbering, slow-talkin' guy and they think —

Q: "All brawn, no brain?"

A: Yeah, that! Looks like they've been watching some of those movies, too! But look at that big guy from the Harry Potter books. He's not dumb, is he?

Q: Hagrid?

A: (_Face becomes more cheerful_) Yeah, him. You know, I kinda liked those books. Which means I can _read_, hear that, guys?

Q: Anything else?

A: You goin'?

Q: Not until you're ready.

A: Okay, I'm not ashamed of how I look, or nothin', but I'm kinda getting sick of my codename. Because — well, because everything I just said. Makes me feel like a blob is all I am. No face, no past, no favorite food. They just think I like whatever don't eat me first. Want to know a secret?

Q: Sure.

A: I used to want to be a cook. If you tell anyone about that, I'll squash you. But it's true. I made a friend who worked in a restaurant. She taught me how to make radish roses. (_Pauses_) I think I still remember how to do it. But you better nor tell anyone about that either.


	14. Tipping the Scales

Chapter 14: Tipping the Scales

Could you tell me where I might find Wanda Maximoff? No, no, I just want to ask her a few questions. No, I'm not from the mental hospital! Or the police either! And Magneto didn't send me. Please let go. If I'm strangled while I'm on the job, my boss will kill me. In a manner of speaking.

Q: So, where is she?

A: Since you asked, she's having her lessons now. She and Agatha are in the backyard.

Q: So, um, can I ask you some questions?

A: About what?

Q: About fan fiction and your role there. You are the chief villain, aren't you?

A: Opinions differ.

Q: What do you mean?

A: There was a time when Magneto was viewed as the main source of evil and destruction. My job was to say, "Yes, Master," and promise to bring him whatever new mutant came traipsing into the school that day. (_Clenches fist_) I may have served Magneto in the past, but you had better believe that I've never called him "Master."

Q: What's your role in new-character stories, exactly?

A: Oh, they're still stuck in the Dark Ages, back when I was still principal of Bayville High. Kelly may be an idiot, but at least writers don't torture them by sending every new mutant who comes to the school into his office! And somehow I always seem to know what they are, which is perfectly ridiculous. I don't have the same kind of technology that Xavier has. I have to take my minions as they come.

Anyway, I practically shine a light in their eyes as I interrogate them. Then when they leave, I chuckle to myself…

Q: Chuckle?

A: (_Sighs_) It's better than giggling, I suppose. I chuckle to myself about how he or she has great power, or great potential, or something. And that's when Magneto appears, and we get into the "Yes, Master" sequence. It got to be very tiresome.  
  


Q: And what happens next?

A: What do you mean? Oh, what happens next in the stories? I'm not really sure; very few of them progress beyond the first couple of chapters. If I do get around to inviting them to join the Brotherhood, I always scare them away for some reason by talking about world domination. _Honestly_. I know how to recruit my followers.

Q: Nobody ever said you didn't.

A: Hah. Then please tell me why I come back to my own house to see graffiti all over the walls and my de facto leader so besotted with one of Xavier's flock that he forgot at one point which _side_ he was on.

Q: I have no idea. Um, moving on…?

A: What else? Oh, yes, I remember this one story where I used some sort of machine… type… thing to brainwash Kurt… I mean Nightcrawler's girlfriend into killing the X-Men.

Q: You mean Amanda?

A: No, her name was Mary Ann, and she was an original character. (_Pauses_) Who is Amanda?

Q: She's… well, she and Kurt Wagner are dating.

A: I see. I didn't know that Xavier had coerced a newcomer into joining his flock. (_Leans closer_) What kinds of powers does this girl have?

Q: I don't interfere with the conflict you people have going. Sorry.

A: Oh.

Q: In any case, it doesn't matter. Amanda's totally human.

A: (_Leaps back_) Is this a joke?

Q: No joke. Are you angry?

A: (_Sighs again_) No, I suppose not. It's his life. I gave up my say in it when… well, when I gave _him_ up. The writers monopolized on the grief I felt when we found each other again, believe me. Of course, they have no business speculating on my private life, but at least it came close to being accurate. I _do_ miss him… sometimes, at least. However, if I _ever_ get my hands on the upstart who used 'N Sync to accompany my vignette…

Q: You miss Kurt.

A: Yes.

Q: And what about Rogue?

A: Rogue? Since you seem so intent on weeding out the truth, Irene was mostly responsible for raising her. I merely watched from the sidelines. The two of us didn't form any sort of significant bond until she came to Bayville. And thanks to that idiot in the sunglasses, even that didn't last long.

Q: That's not what I asked.

A: You're not _possibly_ referring to all those stories where I turn out to be her natural mother, are you?

Q: Are you? Hey, hey, no strangling, remember?

A: I'm _afraid_ that's none of your business.

Q: All right, then.

A: The stories are pure romanticizing on the writers' parts. And some of their minds are simply sick! Why on earth would I want to have an affair with Wolverine? Or, worse, Xavier? Both of them have been pegged as Rogue and Kurt's father.

Q: In different stories?

A: Yes, of course in different stories. And, as if that weren't enough, far too many of these… fanfics… involve my miraculously coming to Rogue's aid when she gains new abilities. Many of the stories are anti-Xavier, and I would not mind them if, for some reason, she didn't _always_ forgive me for manipulating her, first through Irene, then through my disguise as Risty Wilde. I suppose they want her only personal conflicts to be (_Assumes falsetto voice_) "How should I use my new phenomenal cosmic powers?" and "Should I make out with Quicksilver or not?" (_Resumes natural voice_) I watched her grow up, I did my best to train her…

Q: But you also messed up her life in more ways than one.

A: _I know that!_ And that's why I do not expect her to forgive me, or even want her to. I would lose all respect for her if she did. I have never believed in just letting go of the way people have hurt me. This makes them see me as ruthless and vengeful. Maybe I'm both, how the hell should I know? Anyway, I've been complaining about how those infernal fans…

Q: Infernal. Nice "villain" word.

A: … haven't been able to make up their minds whether I'm good or evil. But I suppose I can't blame them. There are times when I'm not sure myself. (_Glares_) I'd prefer it if you left me alone now.


	15. Hex Marks the Spot

Chapter 15: Hex Marks The Spot

I'll understand it if you don't want to talk. Really. I can just… go… now… Wait, did you just say, "Come back"? You can't be serious. Oh, you are? Okay, I believe you. Of course you are.

Q: So, um, you haven't even been around very long, and already you're inspiring fanfics.

A: I guess.

Q: Any thoughts on that?

A: I don't read the stupid things much. I've got better things to do. (_Pauses_) But I've seen enough.

Q: Enough of what?

A: Enough to know that if I ever find out where any of them live… (_Clenches one fist, then winces as vase next to couch shatters_)

Q: Want to give me an example?

A: You're not going to leave me along until I do, are you?

Q: Actually, I've already talked to everyone else.

A: Are you a shrink? No, you're not, are you? A shrink wouldn't ask me about fanfics. You probably wouldn't even know what they were. You'd ask me if I had any unresolved issues with my family that were causing me to be angry all the time.

Q: The writers seem to be pretty into that, though, don't they?

A: Are you kidding?

Q: Care to elaborate? No? Okay, then, next question…

A: (_Response inaudible_)

Q: What was that?

A: They're not going to waste their time.

Q: What do you mean?

A: My "issues" are pretty cut and dry. Yeah, there are some writers who go into it a little bit, but it's already pretty damn obvious how I feel about _them_, so they leave it alone. Pietro's "issues" are more subtle. More angsty. They like that. And he deserves it.

Q: What do they say about you?

A: You've read'em yourself, haven't you? Oh, you want my take on it, don't you? Want to get inside my head, is that it? You don't know what _happens_ to people who try to get inside my head, _do_ you? (_Glances at the floor as pieces of broken vase shake and rise off the carpet_)

Q: I have some idea.

A: They pity me.

Q: What?

A: The writers. They want anyone who reads their stories to feel sorry for poor abandoned Wanda. They go heavy on the symbolism and how _lonely_ I've been and how I don't actually want revenge, I just want someone to love and _care_ about me.

Q: Do you? Please stop looking at me like I'm crazy.

A: Well, don't ask stupid questions. Since you have to know, it's the last thing in the world that I want, especially now.

Q: You mentioned "people who try to get inside your head". You weren't talking about…?

A: Yes. (_Closes black-lidded eyes, shakes head, and opens them_) You don't need to… I mean… yes. And they don't go into that at _all_. They don't even try to have a good look at what my life was like there, because it's not pretty enough for them. They can't make it into one of their little songfics or bring in a knight in shining armor to come rescue me. Because there wasn't one. They don't even stop to think about why I attacked Xavier's little puppets at the mall. Because Mystique told me to? She wishes.

Q: Enlighten us, then.

A: He came and poked around in my brain whenever he wanted, but he didn't want to risk his precious students by bringing the witchy woman to live with them. The whole world knows why I hate Magneto and Quicksilver. But I hate the X-Men, too, because they're the reason why I had to stay there for as long as I did. (Long pause) They think they have me all figured out.

Q: Who, the X-Men?

A: Yeah, probably them too. Their keeper's probably told them everything he knows. But I was talking about the — what'd you call them? — fanfic writers. And Mystique and the rest of these losers I live with are the same, now that I think about it — they think that I only care about getting back at Magneto. Who knows? (_Laughs, and not unpleasantly_) They might be right. But it's still not a very nice feeling.


	16. Monkey in the Middle

Chapter 16: Monkey in the Middle

Your secretary buzzed me through. What? She was happy that someone wanted to interview you.

Q: So, is it true that you're trying to attract more positive publicity to Bayville?

A: No question about it, Ms. —

Q: Fawkes. Why is publicity so important all of a sudden?

A: The school's had a run of some bad luck since I got here. At first I thought that it was always like this, but now I'm beginning to wonder if I haven't —

Q: Brought in some negative vibes?

A: It's ridiculous, I know. I don't believe in things like that.

Q: There are more things on heaven and earth, Mr. Kelly, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. How have the people who've been watching you been taking this "run of bad luck" and your reaction to it?

A: Superintendent McFee _is_ superstitious, although he won't admit it, of course. And he doesn't blame me for the damage, but he hasn't been too happy since he asked me what really happened the night of the soccer game and I told him I didn't know. The school board is easily placated. Ditto, the concerned parents… What did I say to make you laugh?

Q: That wasn't what I meant by "the people who've been watching you."

A: Close the door. (_Turns very white_) I said, _please close it_. Thank you. This isn't just a normal interview, is it?

Q: There's no such thing as a normal interview, Mr. Kelly. Now. What was the first work of fan fiction written about you?

A: I don't know for certain. I've never read any of the stories, only heard about them. But I do know enough to be sure that those _authors_… they pick on the weak to feed.

Q: What do you mean by "the weak"?

A: People like me. Authority figures. So-called chumps. The Xavier Institute crowd and Lance Alvers' gang are playing some kind of monkey-in-the-middle game, and I'm the monkey. Tell me this, Ms. Fawkes. Can you imagine me cowering under my desk?

Q: Well, actually…

A: Turning to alcohol for solace, maybe?

Q: It happens to the best of us.

A: Singing show tunes?

Q: You got me. The authors have done all of _that_ to you?

A: It was just _one_ author. There are two types: The ones who see me as _completely_ unable to handle the chaos going on at my school. Yes, there are inter-dimensional creatures roaming the halls, and yes, the best chemistry teacher we've had in years decided to pull a _Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_, and _fine_, the soccer stadium caught fire my first day on the job, but I'm still here, aren't I?

Q: Have you ever thought about quitting?

A: (_Looks ashamed_) Oh, dear God, yes. It wasn't always like this.

Q: I know.

A: I would ask Ms. Darkholme for advice, but nobody knows where she is.

Q: I know. You mentioned two kinds of authors. Does the second group blame you for everything that was going on?

A: No, but they do seem to think that I know something about it and that I'll badger the Xavier Institute kids for information every chance I get.

Q: Information about what?

A: (_Buries head in hands_) I don't know.

Q: You don't know?

A: (Looks to make sure the door is closed, and lowers voice) Mutants. Why are you smiling?

Q: No reason. _They_ think that _you_ think that the people from the Xavier Institute know something about mutants?

A: It never even occurred to me before I read about it. Nobody really knows why that place was set up, do they?

Q: Oh, I imagine Ms. Darkholme knew. But why mutants?

A: Why not?

Q: No, I mean why not aliens or ghosts or vampires?

A: I don't know why mutants. It's just a feeling I have. You're smiling again. It sounds ridiculous, I know. Maybe Superintendent McFee is rubbing off on me.

Q: A feeling you have?

A: Yes. It started the night of the soccer game. Whatever's going on at this school — mutants, aliens, the other things you mentioned — it's all because of what happened that night. I know it.

Q: Say it, don't spray it. What happened that night?

A: I don't _know_ what happened. It's this huge blank. (Looks surprised) I've never told anyone that.

Q: Go on.

A: And those damnable fan fiction writers — especially that Red Witch; she's the one who had me singing show tunes — think that I _do_ know, and that the more they torture me, the more I'll talk. Or else they want to punish me for something. But what? What merits all the "Kelly Torture"? I'm not one of those villains I keep hearing whispers about. All I want to know is what's going on when I'm not looking. All I did was come to the wrong school at the wrong time.

Q: And tell the news crew that Henry McCoy was a furry blue monster.

A: I didn't have a choice. And it started long before that, anyway. Sorry for the cliché, but I can't help feeling sometimes like I'm being played for a fool. (Eyes widen behind glasses) Ms. Fawkes, you know something about this, don't you? You can trust me… I'm on your side.

Q: I came to interview you, not join some weird conspiracy.

A: (_Tries to regain composure, and does a passing job_) I'm fairly certain that if there is a conspiracy, they're the ones who are involved in it, not us. If you do know something, it'll be better for both of us if you tell.

Q: How?

A: Because we could…

Q: Stop them.

A: Well… maybe.

Q: I have to go now, Mr. Kelly. Thank you for your time. Good luck — you'll need it.

A: How do you know?

Q: Let's just say I have a feeling.

A: Wait… come back… (_Stares at desk_) Why me?


	17. Precognitive Dissonance

A/N: Thanks to my muse, Warren, for suggesting this title and encouraging me not to waste it, and to the fans of this particular character. You know who you are (I hope). Special mention must be made of Sandoz, who came up with the fake-prophecy idea.  
  
Chapter 17: Precognitive Dissonance  
  
_Are you waiting for someone? Well, yes, actually, I do have some questions for you. How did you... oh. Right. Is right here on the steps okay? Good._  
  
Q: I don't suppose you're content with your role in the general scheme of things?  
  
A: I don't suppose anyone else you've spoken with today _has_ been.  
  
Q: Well, actually, no. For every Sandoz or DragonBlond, there's another fanfic author who can't seem to get it into his or her head that they're guests in the X-Men's world, not the other way around.  
  
A: The ones who don't follow the rules are bad, to be sure, but the ones who _do_ follow them too closely can be just as problematic.  
  
Q: What do you mean?  
  
A: Let me explain. In every band of crusaders for a better world, there is the fearless leader --  
  
Q: Magneto?  
  
A: He likes to think so. Have you spoken with him yet?  
  
Q: No. I don't suppose you know what he's going to say?  
  
A: A great deal. Rather, he's going to _say_ a great deal; I don't know what exactly it _is_.  
  
Q: That's all right. I interrupted you before. Go on.  
  
A: The fearless leader, yes. The even more ruthless second-in-command, who is either more openly vicious or so intent on their own hidden agenda that they eventually take a different road entirely than their superior. I expect you've figured by now what category Raven falls under?  
  
Q: I don't think anyone's sure anymore.  
  
A: They need the muscle, the rugged loner, the belligerent young woman with a hidden core of integrity... _well_ hidden, in Wanda's case. The comic relief is optional, but Toad fits the bill rather nicely.  
  
Q: I think so, too. What else?  
  
A: Someone to yawp about pathways and probabilities is also optional, though it helps. We provide hints and hidden twists, we send the heroes -- or, in this case, I thiink we're probably considered villains -- on different courses that test their courage, and we're never as clear as we probably could be. In the case of the mutant wars, even if I hadn't already been established as working with the Brotherhood, the choices would still be rather limited.  
  
Q: Really? Who else could they have picked?  
  
A: I'm sure you'll run into him sooner or later.  
  
Q: I'll take your word for it.  
  
A: Oh, we're always taken at our word. So that's what the prophecy meant! is a common remark made after everything is more or less sorted out. We're not mistrusted, we're just...  
  
Q: Underappreciated?  
  
A: Plot devices, nothing more. And even in that role, mere vessels: we advance that plot through visions over which we don't have any control. Yes, I realize that I wasn't brought into the story to do much _except_ make cryptic pronouncements, and I'm not sure I want my years working with Mystique or lying to Rogue broadcasted for all the fans to see, but...  
  
Q: We all want our time in the spotlight.   
  
A: It would make for a nice change, is all I'm trying to say.  
  
Q: A step forward in the name of precogs everywhere?  
  
A: Something like that. I've grown accustomed to being passive.  
  
Q: When it comes to your visions?  
  
A: I don't think _that's_ possible. When it comes to my alliance with Raven, I meant.  
  
Q: _Just_ an alliance?  
  
A: (_Irritated_) We lived together, took care of Rogue together until I relocated to Jackson under her orders. (_Grimaces_) Until far too _much_ of what I did was under her orders, come hell or high water... or love. But to be able to keep an eye on Rogue is to involve myself whether I like it or not, and I could never just give her up.  
  
Q: That's another thing I'm wondering. Do you think that the Brotherhood _is_ crusading for a better world?  
  
A: I certainly did once. Now that I know what Magneto is planning, and all the ways it could work itself out, I'm not so sure. And now I suppose you're going to ask, right? What _is_ he planning?  
  
Q: Nope. It's in the rules. Here's what I am curious about, though: Have you ever faked a prophecy, said something was going to happen when it... wasn't?  
  
A: In fan fiction or in reality? Silly question -- the authors I take issue with don't bother to give me enough personality for that. I've never actually tried, although I suppose it can't hurt. They would probably think it was some sort of great balance-altering _something_.  
  
Q: And would you be amused?  
  
A: I see far too many great balance-altering somethings, and not all of them are pleasant. There aren't many ways a plot device can amuse herself. I hope, though, that there's actually something I could do to prevent everything I fear will come to pass. Just don't tell Raven I said that.   
  
  



	18. Justifying the Means

Chapter 18: Justifying the Means   
  
_I knew that taking this job would guarantee taking a few risks. But disarming bombs or cracking the subliminal message conspiracy surrounding _Barney and Friends_, that's one thing. Arranging meetings with the future ruler of the mutant race in his top-secret headquarters... completely different story.  
  
_Q: So, um, I heard that you had something to say? A particular bone to pick?  
  
A: You heard correctly.  
  
Q: And you want to say it while the other Acolytes are gone?  
  
A: That would be as good a place to start as any. It was, after all, our _human_ audience that started calling us the Acolytes in the first place.  
  
Q: I guess they thought it was a good way of distinguishing you from the Brotherhood...  
  
A: You clearly don't understand. _We_ are the Brotherhood of Mutants: Sabretooth, Pyro, Gambit, Colossus, Quicksilver, and myself. Those upstarts that Mystique gathered together were still being tested, to determine whether they were worthy of salvation, at the time that Charles' cavalry intervened. Now she's gone once more, and I must consider... other options.   
  
Q: ... and maybe they, I don't know, thought it was sort of a thing to say. Pathetically devoted followers and all that, right?  
  
A: Despite what the audience thinks, I know better than to think that my followers _enjoy_ working for the cause. And they're most correct about Colossus -- he truly doesn't have a choice, although it's not what others think, and nothing that I care to share with you. And even he does not refer to me as Lord Magneto! Likewise, if I ever heard Mystique call me , I'd wonder what she was planning. Sabretooth joined due to his grudge against Wolverine, Pyro because... well, who else would want him? (_Starts to smile, then catches himself_) Pietro... we'll get back to him in a little while. Wanda as well. And as for Gambit...  
  
Q: What about him?  
  
A: He doubtlessly has reasons of his own. These aren't any sort of _secret_; I simply don't know them. What matters to me is that he has control over his powers, exceptional fighting skills, a certain lack of... shall we say... squeamishness... and a desire for mutant advancement. I do not have control over their pasts or their personal lives -- unless they become mixed up in something that would cause them to stray from the fold, and we may have to return to _that_ subject as well -- nor do I wish to have it. (_Angrily_) What did I say? It's true!  
  
Q: So your problem, more than with any of the others, is centered around stereotypes?  
  
A: Indeed.  
  
Q: Let's talk about some of them, then. Erik as abusive husband...?  
  
A: (_Eyes flash_) I would prefer it if you did not call me Erik on camera.  
  
Q: Sorry.  
  
A: According to many of them, my dislike of ordinary people signifies that I cared nothing for Magda. At least they recognize my pity and distrust of _humanity_ as a whole enough to wonder how it would impact my relationship with _a_ human, but there is an exception to every rule. Even the Master of Magnetism has moments of weakness, misjudges and makes mistakes. It won't happen again.  
  
Q: But you loved her.  
  
A: (_Coldly, with an unmistakably threatening edge_) I mentioned _mistakes_, did I not? But that's beside the point. I was often _angry_ with her, but never treated her cruelly, or wished her any harm. She loved me, although I doubt she would have if she had known the whole truth, and she adored our children.  
  
Q: Which brings me to my next point. A lot of stories seem to portray you as less even of a than Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch's crazy father. What do you think about that?  
  
A: I think that my actions, as witnessed by the authors, prove that my relationship with the two of them was somewhat... dysfunctional. Yes, Wanda's powers and Pietro's hyperactivity would have been a liability to their safety and to my plans. Yes, during that time, both of them were very much beside the point. Yes, I would rather he call me than at this point.  
  
Q: Why?   
  
A: For many reasons, but mostly because the latter reminds me of what we could have had, and always runs the risk of bringing into play emotions that I would rather not deal with again, thank you very much.  
  
But I never beat them, drugged them, or tried to enhance their abilities without their knowledge... not that Wanda needed it. (_Shudders ever-so-slightly_) I never wanted things to turn out the way they did. I can say that much, at least.  
  
Q: Because of the role you play in the grand scheme of things, you're often pictured as a sort of Dark Lord figure in general. Your opinion of this?  
  
A: I scoff at it.  
  
Q: I'd think you would want to cultivate the most fearsome image possible. Was I wrong?   
  
A: Oh, please -- do you think _they_ pose any threat to my cause? As long as they're going to insert me into their pathetic fantasies, however, I want them to be _accurate_! I do not care at all for the implication that to pose any sort of challenge, I must make use of powers that I don't actually have.  
  
Q: Explain, please?   
  
A: My eyes are certainly not yellow, first of all. They tend to glow when I employ my powers -- it is an odd side effect -- and I can't quite blame the misconception on the fact that authors knew of my supposedly dastardly deeds before they ever saw me without my helmet.  
  
I have never engaged in evil laughter, any more than I have motivated myself or the Brotherhood for a battle by breaking into song.  
  
I cannot appear or disappear at will, nor can I astrally project myself. Holograms are truly amazing things.  
  
I certainly can't control minds. I don't know what kinds of supposedly ethical promises I would make if I could. Perhaps they're not wrong about my infamous lack of scruples. After all, if Charles hadn't clung to his ridiculous ideals about using our gifts responsibly so as not to frighten _Homo sapien_ detritus, then perhaps the two of us would still be working together. But I should hope that I do not _need_ to employ mind control... not yet, anyway.  
  
In all cases, as you can see, they make some valid points (_Sighs_) but also let their imaginations run away with them. Their policy is this: Inhuman one way, inhuman every way. And that to identify me as Charles' opposite number, apparently I need the equivalent of a great glaring sign on my forehead reading, Mutant Menace, Do Not Feed, as well as every cliché ever contrived by a two-bit fantasy author. Evil lairs, evil laughter, spying on my enemies through hidden cameras, explaining of my plans in detail to captured , and lengthy rants about vengeance on those who have wronged me.   
  
Those who conform to standard-issue aspects of are always defeated, and that's definitely _not_ on my agenda. But I do not aim to get back at the human race, as if this were an elementary-school prank war. I don't want to punish them. And I am not underestimating them, assuming that they will surrender without a fight. The Sentinel incident, though it did prove useful, was evidence enough of that. All things, in the end, serve their purpose.  
  
No, my goal is _survival_. At all costs. The X-Men want the same thing, in whatever form it may take for them: love, acceptance, worship, superiority. They just don't know it yet.   
  
_You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen: the innermost thoughts and pet peeves of the miraculous Magneto. And on that cheerful note, I must bid you all farewell for now.  
  
I hope you've learned something over the course of these episodes. I'm pretty sure I have. If not, I hope you've had fun. I'll see you next time on _The Inside Story_. This is Furiel Fawkes, signing off._   
  
A/N: And this is me, thanking you all for your time, your patience, and your reviews, and apologizing to the writers whose work was attacked. Once again, I, the author, have nothing against specific stories and those responsible for them. Particular credit is due to those who pointed out particular shortcomings of the fandom, convinced me not to abandon the whole project, or simply let themselves be referenced and kept a sense of humor about it. The original concept of Subreality belongs to Kielle.  
  
Yes, I realize that a great many characters have been newly explored (and probably mistreated) in fanfic since I first began this project: the Acolytes themselves, Trask, X23, Tabitha, and probably several others that I've forgotten. And I know that Ororo, Logan, Hank, Warren, and Sabretooth didn't get interviews at all. If you want to see a follow-up, I'll definitely consider it.   
  
However, fun though this was to write, it was also very difficult, and I don't mean just the searching of the _Evolution_ fanfic archives until my head was spinning. Difficult, experimental, controversial, and often draining. Suffice to say that it's not something I'm interested in trying again anytime soon. But I'm glad, as always, that you could join me for the ride.  
  
Love,  
Neva


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